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“You’ll
want to include more carbs like bread to reduce the binging,” Trina
said as she pointed out the different portion sizes on the handout.
I had finally gone for help. After seven months of returning back to cooked food after being on a raw-food diet,
I felt lost. How did I know when to be done with a meal? After the
massive crates of fruit, after eating and eating and eating, how did I
know when to stop anymore? Was I an endless pit, had I fallen far and
beyond ever being able to eat normally again? Was my body broken? Health Benefits of Tiger Nut & Tiger Nuts Milk
Is bread the answer?
My
dietician encouraged me to eat bread again. I felt like after
everything I had researched, after everything I had gone through, I had
to at least take out two whole food groups and follow the paleo diet. Tiger Nuts MilkI couldn’t let all of this time, effort, discipline–of everything–come and go for nothing. It wouldn’t be fair.
“I
don’t know if I can eat bread,” I said tentatively. I looked down at
the meal plan she had given me with a distant longing. Was it a longing
for ignorance, for me to erase everything I had learned about food? I
wanted to eat simply again, to not think about anything.Health Benefits of Tiger Nut
Despite
the internal voice that told me I would mess up everything, I decided
to include bread in my new meal plan. Even if wheat products weren’t
meant to be digested by humans, even if they really were bad for our bodies, maybe they would at least be good for the mind—my mental health.Benefits of Tiger Nut
I can do anything
I thought I could do anything. I thought I could be disciplined with food,
thought I could be stronger than anyone else. After all, hadn’t I been
the one to drop twenty pounds in a matter of months from my already
light frame? I could restrict because I had power and control.
I could take on the raw food diet.
Flash-forward
two months after starting the diet; I found myself secretly scraping
away at a cake, desperate for any bite of sugar, for any source of
calories. I tried so hard to cut back, to stick to all raw food.
That’s
when I realized that maybe discipline could run out, that maybe the
body would find a way to rebel back, to take back the control after I
had suppressed every desire, every scream of longing for any “forbidden”
food; food as simple as an apple to end the day or the smallest bite of
cheese . Gentleman rapist
I learned to shut out my body’s cries and it eventually learned to
speak up for itself. I gained back the twenty pounds, plus some—a fear, a
nightmare turned reality.
Carrying
my eating disorder with me like a precious child, I searched for the
Holy Grail, the answer as to how to “fix” my body. I wanted to lose
weight again, but this time without having to suffer the hunger pains. I
wanted to get my body to do what I wanted it to do; I wanted to fix
everything. I would take back the control. I would show my body who was
boss.
After
many trials I thought I found it at last—the Paleo diet. But sometimes
eating goes deeper than simply following a diet. The binging continued
and my depression, my spiral into my eating-disordered world kept me
trapped.
I had yet to fix my mind.
Sandwich for the win
I
wanted a sandwich. I felt hungry and didn’t have any food with me, but
the café at my college was open. Walking into the cafe I scanned the
refrigerator. My eyes caught the yogurt and granola, one of many food
choices I fell into during my binges, when I couldn’t feel satisfied off
of just fruit and salads. Looking lower, I found the sandwiches. I
stood there, observing each one, turning each package over in my hands,
deciding, thinking, and counting the calories in my head. Luckily the
café was fairly empty so I could be alone to my thoughts, to make the
best decision for my body.
I
decided to buy it—the whole-wheat sandwich with what I used to see was
holding animal flesh (turkey), cow pus (cheese), death (mayo) and a
sliver of vibrant raw-food life (lettuce and tomato).
And
yes, there was the bread to hold it all together. It hugged the food in
place. It was my final danger, now turned into food again. The warning
light dimmed in my mind. This is food.
I
was aware of how loud the wrapping was around this sandwich as I pulled
it out of the clear plastic. It made me feel self-conscious as the
wrapping crinkled. I did not want eyes on me as I ate. I felt
embarrassed of everything I had done, and what I was about to do now.
But there was also a sense of normalcy. I was eating a normal sandwich,
like a normal college student getting lunch. A normal lunch.
I stared at the sandwich. I
found a small table off to the side to sit and concentrate, to
understand my body and what it was about to behold in my mouth, what it
would do to my taste buds. Would it be as stimulating as the health
advocates had warned me? Would it make me lose control?
It smelled delicious. As
I moved it toward my mouth I inhaled the aroma of fresh bread and deli
meat. It reminded me of my childhood when I ate a simple meal for
lunch. Now it felt like I was back to square one—eating a sandwich.
I nibbled into my first bite. The
combination of the bread, thin slice of deli meat, the acidic tomato,
and smooth, creamy fat of the mayo sent my taste buds into a frenzy. It
was the best thing I had eaten in a long time, and I did not feel
disturbed by my excitement over this Ig 283 combination of all of the food groups stacked together into one meal. It made me happy.
Months later, I am still counting calories as I eat bread, still feeling that uneasiness of the “forbidden.”
“You
don’t trust your body, do you?” my dietician asked recently. I stared
at her. She was right; I wouldn’t be able to stop counting calories, to
release that measure of control until I could allow my mind to let my
body do what it needed to do to get sufficient nutrients. I couldn’t
relinquish the control my mind wanted to have over a body that knew what
was best for itself.
Trust your bodies signals
I think we all want our own means of control.
I think we all want to help ourselves, to do what is best for our
bodies—so much so that it is difficult to stay in tune to exactly what
our bodies want. It’s not about letting your cravings go wild and eating
twinkies just because you “crave” them of course, but to allow yourself
that bite of bread, that occasional touch of peanut butter even if you are “paleo.” effect of bitter leaf on the liver I had to go back to square one to understand this concept.
I still eat bread on occasion but I am taking the transition to paleo much slower. I am trying to eat potatoes and other vegetable starches in place of bread and oatmeal more often than not. But when I find myself desperate bitter leaf tea for food—especially carbs–and only have bread in my backpack, I allow myself to eat it without much guilt. Like my dietician suggested, getting effect of drinking bitter leaf juice
enough carbs does help me to avoid binging, and bread can aid me in
that process when I don’t have potatoes or other starchy vegetables at
the ready. It sure is better than attacking a cake!
I
realize I have discipline, but I have a body, too—a body that will not
be forced one way or the other so dramatically; because in the end, the
body does know best.
I just have to learn to trust it.
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